The Breakdown

I have not shared that I am Autistic with a lot of people, for one simple reason: this is deeply sacred to me.

Sacred within my Heart.

The kind of sacredness that you hold close and only share with those trusted to know.

And now, after two years, I have been called to share my story with you.

So, join me as I take you on the journey of a life time, the journey to my truth.

As a 35 year old “high functioning” individual, I had to absolutely crumble in order to learn who I truly was, to love myself for who I actually am.

This is my story.

(disclaimer: I don’t know exactly how to organize or format it, I have thought about categorizing based on timeline or based on theme. For now, it is just from my journal.)

The last 4 years of life have been insanely hard physically, mentally and spiritually for me. They have stripped me down to complete rawness.

A lot changed in a short amount of time for me, which I now realize why it was so insanely hard - but I didn’t know why then.

2020 was absolute bliss for me, I didn’t have to talk to anyone or leave the house. Then, spring 2021 my sweet H (my daughter) arrived- I was loving life, enjoying motherhood and our little family time.

Then, a lot started to change…

Deciding to move from what I now know was my deeply safe space when H was just 3 months old, G (my partner) working away and starting a business just 3 months later. In a period of 15 months, he was home approximately 30-40 days total. Solo parenting, navigating chronic pain, a career, an acreage, an intensive course, and huge transitions that I didn’t understand why they were so hard for me.

Now I do.

It took about 6 months of G working away for me to crumble. I remember the specific moment. Spring 2022 everything felt like it was falling apart. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t function like I used to.

I couldn’t mask anymore.

But the thing it, I didn’t even know I was masking because it was so deeply engrained in me.

I had to change my work schedule, G and my relationship started to be affected. Resentment and deep fatigue grew.

I was judging myself for not being able to function like I used to. I kept longing for our “old life”, our previous house, our previous routines. I didn’t know if I was depressed.

I saw the Dr. - not depressed, just anxious.

I have always had anxiety, this was different. I hesitantly tried anxiety medication. It was a horrible experience. I now understand why. I didn’t then though. I felt like I was spiralling and couldn’t get out.

What was wrong with me?

You can also read my story on substack: https://tayloreprimrose.substack.com/