When the Martyr says No.

What is the Martyr? The way I see it, it is the combination of the Caregiver Archetype and the Victim.

A deep caring for others all while resentment grows because you don’t feel seen, heard or valued. Martyrs are masters at abandoning themselves for others and then feeling let down when no one else will do the same for them.

The Martyr archetype begins as a Caregiver trait within someone. And then, being taught at some point along the way that your value and worth is connected to serving others, the Martyr is revealed.

The only way to receive love is to abandon yourself, to people please and to give more to everyone else than anyone could ever give to you.

Chronically feeling unseen, undervalued and unheard - the martyr has an inability to say no and grows resentful. The war cry of the Martyr is “look at how much I have sacrificed for you/them and asked for nothing in return”.

A subconscious superiority often accompanies the resentment. How could it not though? The idea that “I can handle this and no one else can” or “they need me” only feeds it.

Mixed in with the resentment and superiority is a deep fear, often of abandonment.

Fear of abandonment is the seed of the Martyr.

Needing to serve others at all costs in order to receive love. If I say no, love and acceptance will no longer be available to me. Who will I be if I don’t take care of others? A deep desire to be taken care of and yet everyone always falls short because no one else will go to the same lengths of sacrifice for someone else’s comfort, like the Martyr will. In this continuous swirl of emotions and beliefs, the Martyr feels stuck. And the majority of this experience is playing out in the depths of the subconscious.

You want to help take care of those around you, it brings you joy and so it can be confusing. The ironic thing is, the Caregiver transitions into the Martyr when when they take care of everyone - except themselves. The Martyr has no boundaries.

Those around you accept this partnership, and feed into it. They get used to this dynamic and start to expect it.

The Martyr archetype is beautifully fucked up

I know this archetype intimately

They will eventually either implode or explode. When the superiority speaks louder they will eventually implode, unbeknown to those around them, or even themselves sometimes. Donning the title of the one who can fix it all for others, who is always there and who never asks for anything from others. Their internal and external environments won’t line up, but no one will see it.

Or, they explode. The resentment grows so much that they simply can’t handle it any more. This is when the Martyr says No. The people benefiting from the Martyrism don’t see it coming, they don’t understand it and tend not to like it. It is an adjustment for all involved.

The Martyr has to learn how to say No in order to release the Victim and to move back into the Caregiver Archetype. This is no easy feat. It comes with this feeling of simply not being able to live this way anymore, a willingness to “burn bridges” or release people in order to find a way back to yourself. Those around a Martyr can feel like they are asking for too much, even when the Martyr sets the most basic boundaries.

This is simply because the Martyr has never done this before - chosen themselves.

Facing the fear of abandonment head on.

The transition from Caregiver to Martyr is subtle and discreet, the transition from Martyr back to Caregiver is uncomfortable and chaotic. A sense of deep love for oneself must take over as they navigate these rapids back to themselves.